Today I saw a once little boy grow into a wonderful grown man. It was only a few years ago he and I spent weekends binging on bridezillas while he sucked down Nyquil and forced me to suffer through his man/boy cold. I don’t have very many if any good memories with my family. Except for with my grandmother. I’ve never really know what it was to have nephews, or cousins or friends that were more like sisters than friends. That is until one day by pure chance I stumbled upon  a blog written by a lady who was half way around the globe from where I was. To say she saved my life would be an understatement. She didn’t just save me from the world, and myself, but she gave me a family. Loved me through  all of my flaws. Laughed with me and cried with me. Allowed me to be a part of her family. To call her boys, my nephews. To be welcomed in all the events of their lives.

Like today, I saw the little boy I met just four years ago marry his best friend. In a wonderfully perfect ceremony that celebrated all of their quirkiness. I regret my craziness didn’t allow me to stay through the reception. I regret that I had to pull over and hyperventilate. I regret that I’m not able to be fully a part of the happiness and joy of the day. Deep down I wanted to, more than anything and I am proud that I did at least stay for the ceremony. That I did show up and talk to people. Even if it was just to say hello. I shook hands, and smiled, and even made small talk with another super amazing BFF.

But after an hour and a half. I couldn’t hold back the flood anymore. I couldn’t contain the the wave rising within me. I didn’t want to ruin the joyous day so I left. While I know they probably understand. I still wish I could be more than I am.  Four years ago I would not have been able to do what I did today. Four years ago I wasn’t able to even come out of my room. I guess it’s better than before. I just wish I controlled the insanity. Instead of the insanity controlling me.

Even if I wasn’t able to show it, I do hope they know how much I love them and how much I wish them the best in this world.